When a close friend tells me he was hit repeatedly in a fit of rage by a mutual friend, I wasn’t surprised. I felt disappointment, disgust and sadness. Dynamics between these two have been consistently hurtful, often fueled by alcohol.
Irritation happens on both sides, but the abuse flows one way. Neither is innocent in how they chafe each other. They seem unable to cut ties—too much history between them. A history of events thrown like daggers when resentment builds, then bursts. Forgiveness is followed by a fragile peace time. This is their toxic pattern of a long, unsafe relationship.
I wasn’t a witness to this latest battle. I have not heard the other side. Do I need to? Do I want to?
I believe the victim, yet I find myself looking for reason in the unreasonable.
“What happened? Was she drunk?”
Yes, she.
As she pummelled him, he grabbed her arms to stop her. She relented. He released her arms only for her to begin swinging again. He gathered his things and left.
Then texts landed offering explanations, rationalization, and seeking forgiveness.
How many times is too many? The reality is these are irritants that build over time, not terrible events worthy of fists. Laying hands on someone, no matter the circumstances, should be too much.
There were no bruises or broken skin. The pain sits beneath the surface, taking its place in their history, and his own. This is familiar terrain for him, having lived through daily abuse hurled at him by his mother.
Where does this put me in this perpetual cage match?
I’m exhausted by years of it. Like the two of them, on the good days, I have benefited from the conveniences and companionship of our respective relationships. When I think of it rationally, I, too, have lived on tenterhooks waiting for her anger to erupt into screaming, hateful words, usually at me about him.
What I know: He didn’t swing at all; it’s not in him to do so. The rageful vitriol is hers. If he were a woman, I wouldn’t have any doubt, and I would have nothing to do with her again. This needs to be the last straw for all of us.
What choices would you make?
Well written, and sad.
What would I do?
Walk away from both of them.
If they wish to change things, their toxic behavior needs professional counsel.
As they are, a "friend" becomes an unsuspecting pillow to cry upon or beaten when frustrations are high. Respect yourself, walk away.
Thank you for your thoughts, Regina. They, too, are a punch to the gut, but important to hear. I'm grateful for you.