I felt inspired by Simon K. Jones’s post about Nils sine labour: nothing without labour, which I highly recommend taking time to read. I’m also re-reading Atomic Habits1 by James Clear. Jones reminds us to dig into ‘doing’ rather than glossing over the effort of work. Clear frames it as ‘being in motion’ vs ‘taking action’. Reading, studying, and preparing are ‘motions’ that aren’t really progress. Taking small, consistent steps or ‘actions’ is how we achieve goals. Their messages resonated with each other and me.
I used to drink to soothe myself, to manage anxiety, and work stresses. It was socially acceptable. In my work environment, drinking was a part of my job. Most people didn’t know it was becoming an issue, but I did. Things were getting worse. I didn’t seem to know how to make change stick.
I read and listened (several times) to Annie Grace’s book, This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life, and other related books2. They helped create an awareness of my growing problem with alcohol. I learned processes to help me deal with it. While I felt less alone in my tendency, I ultimately hadn’t acted. I hadn’t actually stopped.
When I finally took the step to give it up, it wasn’t thanks to another Dry January or Sober October because I knew F*cked-up February and Numb November would invariably follow. I never went through a 12-step program,3 but I choose each day not to drink.
What was my decisive moment?
During a visit to my family, I found myself sneaking drinks when others weren’t around. I’d packed a bottle to nip, to soothe my nerves, and I snuck drinks. Standing at the fridge one day, as I stealthily replaced the beers I’d ‘borrowed’, I asked myself: Is this the person I want to be? The clear answer that came back to me was a strong, “No.”
I stopped that day, and every day since. It hasn’t been easy. Even now, I have thoughts of having just one drink. A full-bodied glass of wine. A spicy rum & Coke. A refreshing Jack & ginger. I know it’s a lie. It’s all a lie. I know alcohol is designed to draw me in and hold me under.
I’ve been alcohol-free for 7 years (as of April 27th). The clear actions I took to stay away from alcohol were:
I made my house a dry house. Don’t have it in the house. I got rid of the glasses and paraphernalia related to drinking, including the joke napkins and coasters that told me that it was ‘Wine O’clock’ or ‘I drink because I work, I work so I can drink’.
I didn’t put myself in situations where I didn’t have a plan. I brought my own zero alcohol or alcohol alternative to events and parties.4 With a fancy mocktail, I could blend in and enjoy a ‘special drink’ when socializing. There are an increasing number of events, bars and restaurants that cater to a non-drinking crowd besides offering soda. This is progress.
I had a quip handy for those who asked, in shock, “You don’t drink?” I answered with a wry smile, “Not anymore.” That often led to quiet conversations about “When did you know?” or “How much is too much?” I’ve experienced very few rude, intrusive conversations or pressure to have “Just one.” I find those folks have their own issues with alcohol and feel uncomfortable being around someone who has already dealt with it. Compassion is key. There are a remarkable number of people embracing alcohol to get through the day.
I stepped away from the friends, work and social situations that triggered me. I quit my career, the one that included being a wine taster for our events. Not everyone needs to take such a drastic step. In my case, I was ready to leave the business, and it was the best decision for me.
The social isolation isn’t forever. I’m able to socialize now without alcohol. I’m still funny; I’m more myself without it. Being around drunk people is less and less appealing. My evenings out end up being shorter, but as someone who goes to bed early anyway, there’s no downside.
My anxiety is still present at times (alcohol ultimately made that worse). I now deal with anxiety through meditation, medication, being in nature, writing and running.
I’m grateful for the reminders about taking action from Jones and Clear and the lessons I took from others who travelled the road to sobriety before me. Learning and re-learning are important, but action is everything.
What small step could you take to go from motion to action?
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear.
There are alternatives to AA’s 12-step program these days. I didn’t feel God or the Creator needed to be a part of my journey. Do whatever works for you. I was already well on the road to radical change in other areas of my life. This was one more step.
Some reformed drinkers are against choosing alcohol-free beers or cocktails, but it works for me. It doesn’t tempt me to want the ‘real thing’.
Beautiful post and inspired by your clarity and by how you did it your way - what works for you. Thanks for reference materials.
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections.